Regrets

I should have taken photography and drop french. I should have taken ceramics/choir/ drawing and drop biology. After all, this is a year of experience!

To be honest, I have a defunct right brain. Arts and musics are subjects that I have been longing to explore but I never really wanted to fully immerse myself in them because I didn't have much confidence. I tried to draw, but it turned into a complete mess. I tried to play a musical instrument, I sucked big time. I tried to capture memorable moments, but other people's photographs are more attractive.
I can still remember when I was little and it was my first time to be exposed to watercolor pencils. My friend asked, "Why do they call them watercolor pencils?"
"Because you use them with water," I answered confidently.
"How?"
I thought for a moment, "Like this!" I dipped the pencil into a glass of water and drew with it, "See? The colors are more beautiful. Very deep."
A few seconds later, the new watercolor pencils that my parents had just bought me turned into blunt, mushy, pencils and we had to throw them away.
Yes. That's how artistic I was.

This year, just when I ignored my right brain's inactivity and grew my confidence towards my left brain, it betrayed me. I was attending a Model UN conference in Syracuse when I realize this. Maybe it was lack of preparations, maybe it was boredom, that I began to feel uneasy with the whole conference. They were talking about world problems, I asked a couple of questions at the beginning of the conference and then I got bored and started writing on my notepad, thinking that I would suck to be a minister or any other government officials.

Writing is my passion. I write whenever, wherever, I like details and impressions. I like numerous works of literature, admire the authors, love their perspectives. Reading is not only the window of the world, but also the door to the human minds.
You think if I like writing so much then I would take journalism or creative writing for college? Well, I don't want to take them. You see, being a journalist is probably the last thing I want to do. (No offense to journalists out there, I adore a lot of your writings). It's just that I don't like to have to write all the time, being chased around by deadlines, I want to want to write, whenever and however I like. Then become a novelist? Maybe I'm an idealist, but if my novel is to be published, I'd want a pure creative story that goes around a complete circle and finishes like a drop of water in a glass of oil. Immersed, but in shape.
But to write creatively, my right brain has to be activated.
And yes, I am in the process of activating it. Meanwhile, I will still be writing random stuff.
Just like this.

One of my teachers wrote a college recommendation letter for me and I happen to read it. In one of the paragraphs, she wrote that I could achieve whatever goal I set for myself in whatever field of study. That might sound cliche, but it motivated me to explore myself.
I won't deny that this year has been a great self-exploration for me (if not discovery), I had the chance to do things I never would have done. And yes, I realized that I don't know a lot of things. All these years, I suppose I should say that school is taking over my life. Not that I hate it, well that's the problem, I love it so much that I didn't open my eyes to new things. Call me a nerd (these days, I bet there's only a handful of people who could say that they love school), but that's just the way I am. I love solving ridiculous figures on my scrap paper. It's great to know that a quark is smaller than a quantum, or the other way around I don't even remember anymore. And the idea of knowing that every particles have energy was just intriguing. And yet, after years and years of scientific reasoning, I got nothing but confusions.
Russell Crowe in The Beautiful Mind says "I've made the most important discovery of my career... the most important discovery of my life. It's only in the mysterious equation of love that any logical reasons can be found. I'm only here tonight because of you. You're the only reason I am... You are all my reasons." In here, he was referring to his wife.

Love is one thing that all human beings have. Yet, there seems to be a lot of problems going on with love. Then I began to draw a conclusion, that a lot of people view love as their lives, when actually it is supposed to be the watercolor pencils of your life. To color, to decorate.
Once, I had a boyfriend that pointed out to me angrily, "You love everybody too much, you don't have time for me!" Well, thanks to him that I realize how much I loved intimate relationships with others and I often fell deep into it and maybe thought of it as my life. And that's also one of the reasons I dumped him. I guess there are quite a few people out there who write their blogs under the title "My Life" and talks about his/her relationship with his/her partner. Not that it's wrong, it really is fully up to you to write anything in your own blog. But it's just sad if your life is just about breaking up and making up with one person or worse a couple. There must be more to love than that. It's not necessarily a girlfriend-boyfriend thing, it's something we give other people around us even though we don't know who they are, let alone have an intimate relationship. We could help someone without knowing where the person is from, right? Just lend a hand.

It's as simple as that.

Don't talk about the philosophy of love, it's too complicated.

(Maybe by writing this, my right brain is improving)